When I'm Gone
by taibhsear
Summary: Just before the final showdown, Harry reflects on his relationship with a mystery woman. Meant as G or Hr


There's another world inside of me,  
That you may never see,  
There's secrets in this life,  
That I can't hide  
  
You knew about the nightmares, didn't you? You always held me when I sobbed and screamed, rocking me back to sleep so tenderly. You never knew about the anger. The rage that seared through me and kept me awake long after you slept.  
  
Somewhere in this darkness  
There's a light that I can't find  
Maybe it's too far away  
Maybe I'm just blind  
Maybe I'm just blind  
  
I know this war is going to end, but I just can't see it. Maybe it won't end for eons. I picture Voldemort and me dueling from wheelchairs, or the wizarding equivalent thereof. Maybe I will fail, and my unborn son will take up the sword. I clench my jaw. Little James will never have to face this. I am going to kill Voldemort. If it means that I die with the bastard, then so be it.  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
And love me when I'm gone  
  
I love you, dear heart. You are what keeps me sane and on track. You cradle me and allow me to cry, to be weak. I know you will wait for me until you are sure that I am dead. There is a certain selfish comfort in that.  
  
Everything I am  
And everything in me  
Wants to be the one  
You wanted me to be  
  
I never did understand why everyone believes me to be some sort of hero. Albus Dumbledore was a hero. You, my love, are a hero. I am not, not even close. Yet, you want me to be a hero and so I try. I try to be the person that everyone wants and expects me to be. I am sorry if I have failed  
  
I'll never let you down  
Even if I could  
I'd give up everything  
If only for your good  
  
I won't let you down. I will kill this monster. I will end this war that destroyed your family and causes you to cry in your sleep every night. I will do whatever it takes to lift this shadow from your eyes and the grief from your heart.  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
Love me when I'm wrong  
You can hold me when I'm scared  
But you won't always be there  
So love me when I'm gone  
  
Please don't be angry at me. Thank you so much for being who you are. You were even so patient as to wait for me. I can't believe that I spent my time chasing Cho when you were right there. I was such a sodding git, and apparently blind to boot. It took your departure to open my eyes. I thank Neville for stepping aside with grace, for I think I would have killed him had you not forgiven me. He still loves you, you know. He would make an excellent husband.  
  
When your education x-ray  
Cannot see under my skin  
I won't tell you a damn thing  
That I would not tell my friends  
  
For once, I am glad that you never learned Legilimency. You would have protested my plan most vigorously had you known. I took great care to act normal, and ensured that I told my friends the same lie I had told you. No one knew more of my plans than anyone else.  
  
Now roaming through this darkness  
I'm alive but I'm alone  
Part of me is fighting this  
But part of me is gone  
  
As I advance, the darkness surrounds me. The wards surrounding Voldemort's camp make it too dangerous to use any magic. There is no one in sight, only a tightly coiled silence. I feel strangely detached. My brain and body are here, sneaking into the camp; but my heart and soul are at home, preferably in your keep.  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
And love me when I'm gone  
Everything I am  
And everything in me  
Wants to be the one  
You wanted me to be  
I'll never let you down  
Even if I could  
I'd give up everything  
If only for your good  
So hold me when I'm here  
Love me when I'm wrong  
You can hold me when I'm scared  
But you won't always be there  
So love me when I'm gone  
  
There is a tiny photo album tucked in my shirt pocket. It contains pictures of you, Ron, the Trio, and everyone dear to me. I smile as I take it out to look at the worn and tattered picture of my parents. I suspect that I will see them soon. For a moment, I imagine what heaven would be like. Then I take a look at your picture, and kiss it gently. Voldemort is waiting.  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
And love me when I'm gone  
Everything I am  
And everything in me  
Wants to be the one  
You wanted me to be  
I'll never let you down  
Even if I could  
I'd give up everything  
If only for your good  
So hold me when I'm here  
Love me when I'm wrong  
You can hold me when I'm scared  
But you won't always be there  
So love me when I'm gone  
  
It is over, my love. The monster is dead, and so am I. I am sorry it had to end like this, but there was no other way. I am in heaven now, and it is amazing. It is a warm day in late spring, and I am playing Quidditch with Dad, Ron, Charlie, and the dead Weasleys, forever basking in the sun at Hogwarts. Hogwarts is not the desolate ruins it is now, but the wondrous castle where we spent our school years. It is where I met you, where I spent the happiest seven years of my life. Everyone I have ever loved is here, except for one. I can hardly wait until I can hold you in my arms again. For now, I can reach you only in your dreams, and that is how I want it. I don't want to see you here for a long time yet, so don't even think of trying to come.  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
And love me when I'm gone  
Everything I am  
And everything in me  
Wants to be the one  
You wanted me to be  
I'll never let you down  
Even if I could  
I'd give up everything  
If only for your good  
So hold me when I'm here  
Love me when I'm wrong  
You can hold me when I'm scared  
But you won't always be there  
So love me when I'm gone  
  
Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are? You look like a  
queen when you sleep, one made of crystal. As I sit by the  
window, you stir slightly. Little James, a year old now, is  
waking. It is time for me to go. I move to kneel beside you, and  
give you a kiss, just like every night. I step back, and look at  
you once more, before I fade away, returning to where I belong.  
I love you so much. 


End file.
